I have lived with chronic suicidal ideation almost my entire life. The first times I wished to be no more began in the first grade, I was 6. No wish for death, just to like cease to be, combust into glitter and return home to the world I belonged to. At 8, the concept of death consumed me. I lost my only friend that year, everyone would make fun of how hard it me. “It’s just a cat, just a pet” but he was quite literally the only friend I had. My safey, my life. To see him crushed and dying in the street. My neighbor knocked on the door one evening, “hey I think I hit your cat with my car” and that was it, I wanted to run to him, hold him in my arms. But I was forced to stay away, I couldn’t look away standing at the screen door fixated on my friend fighting for his life. This was day one of my life of deep depression, sorrow, melancholy, pain, grief, trauma, hurt, harm, and loneliness. I was the forgotten one. I was the scapegoat. I was the punching bag. I was the punch line of the joke, that life.

No would noticed me struggle and hurt. I’ve known of my ADHD since I was 9, I tried so hard to get my parents attention after my amab sibling got diagnosed. A loud and energetic little boy, also the youngest in a family of 6. My mom’s angel. My mom’s golden boy. My dad had his own medical fight but at least he believed in me. Not enough to get me diagnosed, that’s 22 years later. But he knew I was bright despite my bad grades and struggle. The only encouragement and the only one taking time to teach me at home.

I’m struggling in almost every way. But I finally decided at 35 to live my life, instead of waiting to die.

• Two different posts written together. Will adjust post later.

So when you say you have deep medical trauma , and you will not go to the ER, then you’re called a conspiracy theorist, a hypochondriac, a liar, a drug addict, insane, a danger to yourself and the community. But they don’t want to admit, medical school does not stop the human ability to cause harm, to seek greed, to be imperfect. I literally was asking my doc for help making an emergency plan if after hours I needed urgent emergency medical care and I needed help that would not include the ER, like not at all. Her response “I know the wait times are bad but if it’s emergency that’s your only option and I would be a bad doctor if I told you anything else.”

Wat? I told you trauma like it is not the long waiting that makes it a traumatic experience. It’s mental, verbal, emotional, sexual, and medical violence that create this trauma. She won’t listen and like everyone thinks I’m losing my mind.

Doctors don’t even take into consideration that they aren’t the only professions that have intense study of anatomy and physiology. They think the Internet is all just misinformation for some reason. Like you’re supposed to have a medical degree? How do you tell a client their research without asking where and how they did it is all misinformation…

I’m sick and tired of decaying. My fibromyalgia diagnosis felt validating at first cause for the first time I had someone awknoeding I feel abnormalities in my body. But I wasn’t even diagnosed properly. Every single person I have spoken to with it took year of test after test coming back negative. I had no doctor believe me about my body abnormalites for so long, since I was a child I have many memories of my childhood GP saying to my parents. Well nothing seems wrong, she is obviously faking. Test at school today? When I was near fainting from PMS and having intense irregular periods my doctor refused to acknowledge how abnormal that is. I was 17 and he says to me, you’re a teenager, periods are supposed to be like that at the start. I started my period a week after I turned 11 years old. They weren’t supposed to be so irregular and so painful over 6 years in.

Like no one has ever listened to me. When I got my first dr at my current clinic, he ran basic blood work and then I got a refferal for an EMG, nothing showed up on it. But the doctor was asking me a very long series of questions during. Like do you have any pain? How often? Where ? How do you treat it? How much do you use Tylenol each day? What are your daily pain levels? Average pain levels? What do you mean, you’re not supposed to be in any pain… and then after that he concluded it was fibromyalgia and then that was it. Bloodwork, and one single test, and just asking about my pain. There could be so many other things this is. But no one will help me or do testing because I was given the red A to wear on my chest for all medical care workers to dissmiss me.

I’m gonna die, I think soon, if I can’t get someone to listen to me, to finally help me and treat me.